The Ultimate Collection of Handpicked Family Jokes to Make You Smile

Whether you’re sharing these over dinner, on a long road trip, or during a lazy Sunday at home, these handpicked gems are perfect for all ages.

So, get ready to smile, giggle, and maybe even groan!

The Note Under the Bed

In any marriage, there are bound to be moments of frustration, especially when one spouse feels taken for granted. This joke takes that scenario to the extreme, as a wife decides to teach her husband a lesson with a note — only to find herself caught off guard by his response.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband came home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he entered the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone… Yeah, I know, about time, right? I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you… Can’t wait to see you… We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread: be back in five minutes.”

The Mischievous Grandmas on a Bench

Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside of their nursing home, laughing their heads off like giggling girls.

“Now, now, ladies,” a nurse said, walking past them. “You need to get your sunshine time before tea. And behave!”

Her words only set them off again. Soon, they spotted an old man walking by and decided to have a bit of fun with him.

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are,” one of the grandmas yelled out at him.

The old man scoffed.

“There’s no way that you can guess it, you three old fools.”

“Sure we can!” another grandma insisted. “Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age!”

“What?” he exclaimed.

Embarrassed but intrigued, the old man dropped his pants, the sunlight shining on his bottom.

The grandmas stared and whispered among themselves. And then said in unison, “You’re 91 years old!”

“How in the world did you guess?” the old man asked, shocked.

The grandmas snickered and replied,

“Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!” one grandma said as the other two collapsed into giggles again.

Refrigerator Mayhem

Suspicious of his wife’s fidelity, a man came home early and tore through the house, searching for evidence. He glanced out the window and spotted a man sitting in a Volkswagen.

Enraged, he picked up the refrigerator and hurled it out the window at the unsuspecting stranger, then had a heart attack and died.

In heaven, St. Peter listened to his story and sent him straight to hell.

Moments later, the man from the Volkswagen appeared, explaining he was minding his own business when a fridge crushed him.

St. Peter shook his head and sent him to hell, too.

Finally, a third man arrived, trembling, and said, “I don’t even know what happened. One moment, I was hiding inside a fridge…”

The Pharmacist’s Explanation

Sometimes, what starts as a simple misunderstanding can escalate quickly, leading to confrontations. This joke humorously highlights how a situation can spiral out of control when assumptions are made — until the truth comes out, leaving everyone in stitches.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone!”

Angrily, the husband drove to the chemist to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. However, before he could say a word, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.”

“I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. By the time I opened up, there was already a crowd waiting. All the while, the phone kept ringing off the hook.”

“Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make the change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins; the phone was still ringing.

When I stood up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase full of perfume bottles. Believe it or not, all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing and would not let up, and I finally got to answer it.”

“It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

Dear Old George’s Annual Check-Up

Without fail, George went for his annual check-up every year. He prided himself on staying fit and healthy by going on walks in the neighborhood, though age had taken its toll on his eyesight.

After his check-up, George sat and chattered with his doctor, proudly telling Dr. Stephens about his latest discovery.

“Doc, I’m blessed,” he said. “God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”

The doctor chuckled, but a nagging curiosity led him to call George’s wife later that day.

“Maria,” he said. “Your husband’s test results are just fine. But he said something strange! He claims that God turns the lights on and off for him when he uses the bathroom at night.”

George’s wife laughed out loud.

“That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again! I thought it was the dog!”

The Forgetful Lunch Date

During a road trip, an older couple stopped for lunch at a cozy roadside diner. After enjoying their meal, they returned to the car and hit the road.

About 40 minutes later, the wife gasped, realizing she had left her glasses on the table.

To make matters worse, it took them ages to find a place to turn around.

The husband grumbled and complained the entire way back, his frustration making the journey unbearable.

Finally, they arrived at the diner.

Just as she was stepping out of the car, her husband called after her, “While you’re in there, grab my hat and the credit card too!”

The Family Secret

Family secrets can sometimes be shocking, but they also make for some of the funniest and most unexpected stories. In this joke, a young man’s excitement about his upcoming marriage takes a surprising turn when his father reveals some startling information, leading to an even more hilarious twist.

One Sunday morning, George burst into the living room and proclaimed, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away, and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside and said, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mom, George. She and I have been married for 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was heartbroken. After eight months, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again, his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”

His mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

Grandpa Turns 100!

At Grandpa’s 100th birthday celebration, everyone marveled at how athletic and lean he looked.

“What’s your secret, Derek?” a guest asked.

“I’ll tell you,” Grandpa said, taking a forkful of cake. “I’ve been in the open air, day after day for some 75 years now.”

The crowd gasped.

“How did you keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” someone asked.

“Well,” Grandpa began with a twinkle in his eye as he looked to Gran. “My wife and I made a pledge on our wedding night. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was wrong would go outside and take a walk!”

Horse Races and Hilarious Misunderstandings

A peaceful morning turned chaotic when a man felt a sudden smack on the back of his head.

His wife was holding a slip of paper with the name “Mary” scrawled on it.

“What’s this about?” she demanded.

“Darling,” he stammered, “Mary was the name of the horse I bet on last week at the races!”

She apologized and kissed him on the cheek. But just a few days later, she stormed into the room ready for another smack.

“What now?” he groaned.

“Your horse just called,” she replied icily.

The Fried Eggs Incident

Sometimes, everyday situations like cooking breakfast can become the source of a light-hearted argument between spouses. This joke takes that relatable scenario and turns it into a hilarious commentary on how we all sometimes feel the need to give unsolicited advice, especially when the roles are reversed.

A wife was making fried eggs for breakfast. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?! They’re going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “Sure you do. I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

William and Kevin’s Adventure at the Supermarket

In the supermarket, a woman watched a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson with growing admiration. The child screamed for sweets and biscuits, yet the grandad remained calm.

“Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy boy,” he said soothingly.

At the checkout, the chaos continued.

The little terror of a child threw items out of the trolley, but the grandad’s composure never wavered.

“William, William, relax buddy. Don’t get upset. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William. Keep your cool, William.”

Outside, the woman approached the grandfather.

“I know it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there! William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

The old man smiled widely and then chuckled.

“Thanks, but I am William. This little guy’s name is Kevin!”

Successful Sons

Three women boasted about their sons’ achievements at a high school reunion.

One bragged about her banker son, who was so rich that he’d gifted his friend a Ferrari. The second woman gloated about how her pilot son gave his best friend a jet. The third boasted that her son was an architect who’d built an entire castle for his best friend.

When the fourth friend returned with drinks, they asked what her son did for a living.

She replied, “Oh, he’s a dancer at a strip club. And guess what? For his birthday last week, he got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his boyfriends!”

The Supermarket Strategy

Navigating a busy supermarket can be stressful, especially when you lose track of your spouse.

This joke plays on that common experience, showing just how resourceful one husband can be when it comes to finding his wife — with a touch of humor, of course.

In a supermarket, Ivan lost sight of his wife. He walked up to a nice young lady and asked, “Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?”

“Why should I?” asked the lady, startled by Ivan’s strange request.

“It’s always the same. As soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman, my wife abruptly pops up out of nowhere.”

The Forgetful Sisters

Three elderly sisters aged 82, 84, and 86 lived together.

One night, the 86-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and then paused.

After a few moments, she yelled down the stairs.

“Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 84-year-old yelled back.

“I don’t know. I’ll come up and see,” she said.

She started walking up the stairs and paused.

“Was I going up the stairs or down?”

Finally, the 82-year-old, sitting at the kitchen table having tea, shook her head.

“I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” she said.

She knocked on wood for good measure and then yelled.

“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

The Fishing Expedition

A young man from West Virginia moved to Florida and landed a job at a massive department store. On his first day, his manager asked how many sales he’d made.

“Just one,” the young man admitted.

“Only one?” the manager barked. “Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. What did you even sell?”

The young man straightened his shoulders and replied, “I sold a fishing hook, then a rod, then a boat, and finally a 4×4 truck to tow it.”

Astonished, the manager exclaimed, “All that to one customer? How did you do it?”

“Well,” the young man explained. “The guy came in for tampons, so I told him, ‘Your weekend’s ruined — why not go fishing?'”

The Flu Revelation

Being stuck at home with the flu is never fun, but this joke shows how a man’s illness brought out his wife’s true feelings in a way that’s both surprising and amusing. Sometimes, some love can be found in the most unexpected places, or situations.

A man visited a friend recovering from the flu that had bedridden him for weeks.

Surprisingly, the friend said it had been a happy and wonderful experience.

“How so?” asked the man.

“Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, every time the postman, the milkman, or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting, “My husband is home! My husband is home!”

Grandpa’s Missing Teeth

Grandma and Grandpa sat in their porch rockers, watching the sunset and reminiscing about the good old days.

“Honey, do you remember when we first started dating, and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?” Grandma asked.

Grandpa smiled and took her aged hand in his.

With a wry smile, Grandma pressed further.

“Do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and kiss me on the cheek?”

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d nibble on my ear?”

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.

Alarmed, Grandma asked, “Honey, where are you going?”

“To get my teeth!” Grandpa replied.

Morning Secrets Revealed

A young couple, deeply in love, decided to marry but harbored private insecurities.

The groom confessed to his pastor that he had terribly smelly feet and worried his bride wouldn’t tolerate them. The pastor advised him to wash his feet often and wear socks to bed.

Meanwhile, the bride revealed to the pastor’s wife that her morning breath was so bad she feared it might ruin their marriage. She was advised to wake up early every day, brush her teeth, and gargle before speaking to her husband.

For months, their plan worked perfectly. Then, one morning, the groom woke up and noticed one of his socks was missing.

He frantically searched the bed, muttering, “Where’s my sock?”

Startled awake, his wife blurted out, “What are you doing?”

Horrified, he gasped, “You swallowed my sock!”

The Late-Night Approach

There are times when sneaking in late after a night out doesn’t go as planned. In this joke, two husbands compare their strategies for avoiding trouble with their wives, only to reveal that the best approach is sometimes a bit more direct and humorous.

Two married friends were out drinking one night when one turned to the other and started complaining about his home situation.

“You know,” he said, “I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His friend looked at him and replied, “Well, obviously, you’re taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, use the full flush on the toilet, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed and say, ‘Do you want to make love?’ And every single time she acts like she’s sound asleep!”

The Card Game Memory Lapse

Two elderly ladies who were friends for decades met several times a week to play cards.

One day, during a game, one lady looked at the other, squinting.

“Now, don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I just can’t remember it. Please, tell me what it is.”

Her friend glared at her for a few minutes before returning with a sheepish smile.

“How soon do you need to know?” she asked.

The Husband Store

In Melbourne, a unique “Husband Store” allows women to shop for the perfect partner.

The rules are simple: each floor offers increasingly appealing men, but once a shopper moves up, they can’t go back down.

One woman decided to give it a try. She entered the store, and read the signs for each floor.

Floor 1: “These men have jobs.”

Floor 2: “These men have jobs and love kids.”

On Floor 5, the sign read: “These men have jobs, love kids, are gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.”

She was tempted to stop there and search for a good husband, but couldn’t stop wondering what amazing men she might find on the store’s final floor.

After much consideration, she continued to the final floor.

There, the sign read: “You are visitor 31,456,012. This floor exists only to prove women are impossible to please.”

The Anniversary Gift

Bob was in big trouble because he forgot his anniversary.

His wife was fuming and insisted he make up for it.

She told him she’d better find a gift that went from 0 to 200 in six seconds in their driveway when she woke up the following morning.

The next morning, she found a box in the driveway. Curious, she brought it inside and unwrapped it.

Inside? A brand-new bathroom scale.

Bob’s whereabouts remain unknown.

Family Origins Debate

A child asked, “Dad, how were people created?”

His father explained the Adam-and-Eve story.

The child then asked his mom, who said humans evolved from monkeys.

Confused, the child ran back to his dad and confronted him.

“You lied to me, Dad!” he retorted. “Mom told me we evolved from monkeys!”

“She’s just talking about her side of the family,” the father quipped.

Selective Hearing

John was worried about his wife’s hearing but didn’t want to embarrass her by bringing it up. He decided to test it instead.

He stood a few paces behind her and asked, “Honey, can you hear me?”

No response.

He moved closer and tried again. Still nothing.

Finally, he leaned over her chair and raised his voice. “Honey, can you hear me now?”

She turned, newspaper in hand, and snapped, “For the third time, YES!”

Nail-Biting Habit

Two old friends were discussing their husbands’ bad habits.

One said, “I wish George would stop biting his nails.”

The other replied, “Arnold used to do that, but I cured him.”

The first woman was astonished. She turned to her friend and asked how she managed to cure this bad habit.

The second woman shrugged and replied, “I hid his teeth.”

Dinner Surprise

During dinner one evening, a boy asked, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

His father scolded him and told his son not to discuss bugs over dinner because it was disgusting and would ruin the meal.

Later, the father called his son and asked what he wanted to know about bugs.

The boy shrugged, “Oh, nothing. There was a bug in your soup, but it’s gone now.”

And there you have it! Proof that a little humor can go a long way in bringing smiles to every family member’s face!

Whether you’re swapping these jokes with loved ones or keeping them handy for the next gathering, laughter truly is the best medicine.

Enjoyed this collection of jokes? Here’s another one for you |

Think adults have all the answers? Think again! Dive into the laugh-out-loud world of these mischievous little masterminds who turn simple moments into hysterical stories that will leave you in stitches!

This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.